How to Plan for South America

When I say that we are planning for South America, I'm not referring to packing bags, or packing light as if tackling South America is in itself an alpine ascent in a temperamental climate zone such that the best approach is probably light and fast. Rather, I'm referring to deciding on a random date within a logic-derived set of dates that will work for buying a plane ticket, which of course should be done sooner rather than after all of the planes change their policies regarding international flights to include shoe charges, seat cushion fees - not extra cushion - and a special addendum clause notification that says they will resort to parachuting you as soon as you enter your country of choice but iff - if and only if - they have verified your credit card information is valid so they can charge you for the parachute with back-up. Don't worry, your luggage will float to shore, or be mailed to the capital within the week!

That said, Alisa is just now landing closer and closer to purchasing her bird ticket for a whopping $320 or so. I say bird ticket for two reasons. First, birds fly and so a bird ticket allows you to ride the bird that flies. Second, it's a cheap cheap cheap - did you hear birds? - ticket. For international, at least. Discounting any luggage fees. Do we need luggage to live in Patagonia, Chile for at least a year?

I still haven't bought mine. Why, you might ask? Well, unlike Alisa I am not fluent in Spanish. Yet. I'm sure I will be. It's an easy transition between Chinese and Spanish, right? This lack of fluency in the native language is an important reason not to go with Alisa because she is travelling through Venezuela and Colombia before meeting me in Ecuador. Why? These two countries are more likely to accept those who blend in than blonde, English- or Chinese-speaking foreigners. Even strawberry-blonde, I know! The risks I fear to be too harsh to warrant the trip, especially considering that I wouldn't just be putting myself on the line, but Alisa as well. How do you hide an elephant in a room? I think you get it out! And tell him you'll meet him in Ecuador!

So then from Ecuador, where should we go. Let's fly to Patagonia and skip all of the amazing places that comprise Peru, Bolivia, Paraguay, Argentina, and other-than-where-we-will-end-up-in-Patagonia, Chile! Come on, honey! Doesn't that sound like the trip you've been waiting for? We can take lots of awesome pictures with cool compositions and lighting just from the plane! NO! NO NO NOOOO! We must go through all of them and enjoy the shock of culture rippling through our no-longer weary, nay, even anxious veins of cuisine curiosity! We must skip and play games - even pranks - on the locals, barter for the heck of it, cut fresh fruits for a day for a local market businessman and so on and so forth. And finally end up in the most naturally beautiful place on earth where snow-topped peaks swallow up belching rock formations; where ice lakes win bets against green valleys re: the amount of sun they can handle; where boulders lay untouched in forests of small sounds; where we will wander and wander and wonder why we aren't wandering more!

I can't wait!

Maybe I should buy my ticket now.

Let's see, if she's buying hers for August 18, how long will it take this world-traveler to get through Venezuala and Colombia to Ecuador? August 28? I'll confer first. But I'm getting anxious! Come on, Patagonia!

-Your Landescaper, N8